i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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