We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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