I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
