So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
