ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
