then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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