"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
