the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
