whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Even the bartender felt bad for me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
