Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
