I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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