The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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