he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
