if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
