You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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