They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
