im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
