Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
