i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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