so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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