She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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