i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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