i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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