the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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