My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
