I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
