How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
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