so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
