You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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