Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
