News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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