Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
