you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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