Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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