Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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