Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My ATM looks so different sober.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
