i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
