I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
