I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
