Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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