So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
