You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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