I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's blow job season.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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