Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
