He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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