Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
