Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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