If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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