turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
