my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
