I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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