Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
