if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
