I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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