God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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