I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
