I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
