I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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